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With the advent of chat rooms on AOL, I supplemented porn with cybersex and sometimes managed to find clips and videos online, which took hours to download. Others were uncomfortably real, such as forlorn Thai hookers and mistake-making drunk party girls. I prayed the “teen” porn stars were 18 like the disclaimers promised. Whether I was in a relationship or not, my bond with porn never waned. It didn’t matter if the stories I invented in my head were true.

I needed to have an empty house and no plans for the day for that kind of work. I was proud when I talked to boyfriends about my kink. Tuning in and rubbing one out always sounded like a good idea. It didn’t matter if I’d already had two or three orgasms that day. I hadn’t a clue what compelled these actresses to pursue this line of work.

When friends invited me out, I often made excuses, preferring the ease and familiarity of my screens and self-soothing to the pressure of social connection. When dial-up was replaced with broadband, porn was even more immediate. There was always time and a clip I hadn’t yet seen. I could be in a great mood, a foul mood, angry, sad, bored — whatever was going on, I knew I could top it. What mattered is that I was getting off on their — real or imaginary — pain and subjugation.

Once you have joined Married Passions, you will have the option to upgrade to ‘Network Wide Access’, which would give you access to any of the other sites within Passions Network, if you are interested. You will find a brief description of the site & chat.

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